


Heart of Glass

by HeavyMetalMothman



Series: The Red Series [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: (Only what Ryan is retelling or remembering; nothing bad like that happens to him in the present), Alex is Ryan and Shane's son, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Forced Pregnancy, Forced Prostitution, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Ryan Bergara, Transphobia, Trauma, ambiguous and faceless characters for the sake of plot, it's just in the flashbacks ryan has, yea I'm starting their imaginary kids name tag what about it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 06:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17239316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavyMetalMothman/pseuds/HeavyMetalMothman
Summary: It was the sound of rapid and heavy foot fall along the wooden floor that woke Alex from his slumber. A sound he’d heard many times before, he lifted his head to listen… And there it was.The erratic sobbing of his dad, the hushed comforting from Shane’s mouth, the faint creak of the boxspring as he rocked them back and forth.It happened again.---Ryan and Shane's life 8 years after the fall of Gilead.(Edit — Improper Tagging, I’ve fixed it)





	Heart of Glass

**Author's Note:**

> I have been sitting on this for months. I have thought about it and thought about it, and I really wanted to write this. I felt like I should visit Ryan and Shane's life after the fall of Gilead, after their son has grown some, and what they're dealing with. I don't have much of a plot in mind just yet but it's starting to form.

It was the sound of rapid and heavy foot fall along the wooden floor that woke Alex from his slumber. A sound he’d heard many times before, he lifted his head to listen… And there it was.

 

The erratic sobbing of his dad, the hushed comforting from Shane’s mouth, the faint creak of the boxspring as he rocked them back and forth.

 

It happened again. 

 

Though ‘what’ exactly had happened, Alex didn’t know. But it happened, though it didn’t happen frequently. All he knew was that Dad was scared, dreams did not bring him the pleasant ethereal comfort it brought most. Dad was hurting, and dad felt alone. 

 

Carefully, Alex crawled out of his bed and made his way down the hall and peeked around the corner. Through the partially opened door he could see them. His dad’s face was red and tear streaked, he heaved and sobbed, each breath forcing itself in and out with an ugly choke. 

 

“Breathe, Ryan. You have to breathe.” Shane paused their rocking, noticing Ryan was working himself up again.

 

“ _ It was so real… _ ”

 

“You’re not in danger, you’re safe. We’re at home in England, you’re safe here.” 

 

Ryan did eventually calm down, heavy sobs melting to soft hiccups and sniffles. Alex began to retreat before he was discovered out of bed, the floorboard under his foot groaned as he shifted and gave away his presence. Shane’s gaze flickered to where Alex stood partially hidden by the corner of the hall, he retreated quickly. 

 

“I’m going to go check on Alex, I’ll be right back.” 

 

Shane left the bedroom door open a crack, making his way to Alex’s room. Alex lay on his bed, covers pulled all the way up to his chin, face facing away from the door. 

 

“I know you’re awake, buddy.”

 

“I’m sorry, Shane.” He curled up tighter in his covers away from Shane. “I’ll stay in bed, I promise.”

 

“I’m not upset, Alex. I just came to see if you were okay.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Shane almost turned to leave and say goodnight when he finally spoke. “What’s wrong with dad?” Alex turned over to face him, his eyes swimming with concern. 

 

Shane’s hand hovered just above the doorknob. He sighed, knowing he really shouldn’t be the one to explain. “Your dad had a bad dream. And it scared him.” 

 

“Was it about Gilead?” 

 

“Who told you about that?” Shane looked stunned, he’d thought they’d taken great care to shield Alex from the horrors that grew from America’s bones, just until he was old enough to understand.

 

“I learned about it in school a little bit. Also sometimes I hear dad talking to you about it in the kitchen.” 

 

“They’re teaching you this in the third grade?” Shane raised an eyebrow. 

 

Alex only shrugged. “Yeah.”

 

Shane sighed again, nodding mostly to himself. “Yeah. Your dad had a dream about Gilead. He has a lot of bad memories. A lot of people hurt him while he was stuck there. And sometimes it’s a lot for him to remember all at once.” 

 

“But not you, right? You rescued him from there.”

 

“I—” Shane glanced at the door, knowing he should go back to Ryan and at the very least get him to drink some water and lay back down, he was too stubborn most of the time to take his medication. Most of him just didn’t want to drop the heavy truth on the shoulders of an innocent 8 year old. “I-I did hurt him, Alex. I did things that I am very ashamed of… Things that I deeply regret.”

 

“Dad must have forgiven you if he lets you live here with us.” 

 

It was one of those odd moments, when Shane felt the gut wrenching shame of his actions, speaking to the person he was most afraid to admit it to, and without second thought Alex offered him a little ember of hope. A soft spark of warmth and love that brought heat to his tired bones. 

 

“Life would be much easier if the world were as black and white as you see it. But it’s more complicated than that.” Shane leaned over to kiss him on the forehead. “Goodnight Alex. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

Alex nodded before rolling back over. Shane returned to Ryan’s bedroom to try and help him fall back asleep.

 

\---

 

Two lines. Two blatant pink lines. It felt like he’d taken the test at least one hundred times and each time the second line got pinker and pinker. Ryan set the pregnancy test down on the counter, the plastic hitting granite with a harsh snap. 

 

_ This a mess. _ He ran his fingers through his hair, squeezing his head for a moment.

 

All he could think about was the storm to follow. His doctor would all but force him to stop taking his hormones. He’d have to deal with the work leave, the announcement;  _ God, _ what was he even supposed to tell Shane.

 

He groaned and rubbed his face, robbed of his rest after his panic attack that night. 8 years ago he got out of Gilead, he still woke up, drenched in sweat, begging the long gone Sons of Jacob to have mercy. 

 

A small knock on the door pulled him from his daze. “Dad, it’s almost 7:30. Are you okay?” Alex’s voice filtered through the door. 

 

“I’m just getting ready, I’ll be out in a minute, baby.” He listened as Alex’s footsteps grew fainter until he couldn’t hear them anymore. Ryan to great care to hide the positive test, why he felt the need to go to such great lengths to keep it a secret, he didn’t know. 

 

Ryan so deeply wanted it to be a happy surprise; he wanted the normalcy, he wanted the tears of joy and the hugging, the kissing, the lovemaking that followed it all. He wanted to tell Alex he was going to have a baby brother or sister, and he wanted Alex to love it or hate it and the weird way that kids do. He wanted a family. He wanted a home that was more than just a brick flat on a suburban street.

 

Too many roadblocks in his mind stood in the way, it felt like he was trying to hurdle Mount Everest itself. 

 

_ Shane and I aren’t even married… that’s not gonna happen for a while. If ever. God, I’m not getting any younger and neither is he.  _ Ryan brushed his teeth with such intensity that his gums started to bleed.  _ What will the people at work think, what will the other student’s parents think, what will anybody think? _

 

He spat into the sink and stared at the red foam as it was washed down the drain. 

 

**_“What would you do if I let you stay.”_ **

 

He shivered, trying to banish the thoughts away, the memory of actions that haunted him daily.  _ I don’t understand why I feel like I have to be punish myself when I was just trying to survive. _

 

He rinsed, grabbed his keys and his jacket, and made his way to the living room. Alex was waiting for him by the door, playing with his Rubik's cube. He looked focused, snapping each row into a new place with precision. 

 

Ryan couldn’t help but admire the way he looked in his little school uniform, hair combed neatly. He already had on his coat and a little yellow scarf, prepared for the crisp weather that waited outside. 

 

“Let’s go, baby.” Alex put away his cube and took Ryan’s outstretched hand, sliding off the mud bench. 

 

\---

 

“Tobi wants to play after school today.” Alex spoke nonchalantly from the back seat, lazily flipping his cube around. Ryan glanced up at his rearview, and then back out the windshield. The old buildings passed by in a watery blur. 

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea today. Maybe tomorrow... I have an appointment right after you get out of school.” 

 

“I don’t like the appointments. They always make you cry. You shouldn’t go to a doctor who makes you cry.” The sentence was followed by a rough  _ snip-snap-snap  _ of the cube. 

 

“It helps me be better. You don’t like it when I sit around and ignore everything right? That’s what the appointments are for. They help make me a better person.” 

 

Alex only nodded, and for the time being the conversation ended. A soft sounding tune from the radio filled the absence of voices in the car, the sound of soft rain and tires on pavement rose to join it. 

 

“Look.” Alex held up his cube proudly, hazel eyes sparkling. “I finished it.” 

 

Without thinking, Ryan glanced in the rearview, the flash of the solid red side of the Rubik’s cube sent his mind spinning. 

 

**_“This what you will wear; Red to help you remember. Red remind you of the blood of the virgin Mary and her willing sacrifice. Red to remind you of your shameful past. Red to remind you of the ripeness and fertility. Blessed be the fruit, you who walk among us and bear the labor of God’s love.”_ **

 

The flash of silver caught Ryan’s eye just in time, he swerved to avoid scraping the car next to him. 

 

“Sorry...” Alex pulled his toy closer to him, casting his eyes down. 

 

“It’s not your fault, I zoned out for a second. That’s good, you’re getting really good at that.” Ryan struggled for something to say, trying to cough down the crack in his voice that threatened to work its way back up again. 

 

“It only took me twenty minutes this time.” He set about rescrambling the cube. Ryan glanced back at him once more before pulling to the curb by his school. He watched as Alex gathered his things, pulling his backpack into his lap and scooting across the seat of the car. 

 

“Okay, lovely. I’ll be back to pick you up right after school, okay? Tell Tobi I said tomorrow would be a better day.” 

 

“Mmmkay.” Alex slid out of the car and shut the door with care, making his way to the driver side window. 

 

“I love you. Have a good day, okay?” Ryan looked him over one more time, taking in how much his son had grown already. Alex lifted his pinky finger, a habit left over from infancy, now turned into a parting gesture, and a sign of affection. Ryan took it with his own and squeezed it thoughtfully. 

 

“Love you too, dad. See you later.” Ryan watched him enter the school, his heart a little heavier that morning. He quickly pulled out of the lot so the next impatient parent could take his spot.

 

\---

 

The coffee mug set in front of Ryan pulled him out his narrow headspace, he realized how hunched over and tense he’d become. His muscles protested as he unfurled, following the hand on top of the mug up the arm and to chest, just above was the face to match. 

 

Shane smiled sympathetically at him and took a seat next to him. 

 

“You know you’re perfectly within your rights to take a break, right?” He said watching as Ryan blew on the coffee before taking a cautious and slow sip. 

 

“I had my lunch a couple of hours ago.” 

 

“I meant a holiday. Schedule a week off. Take a break from transcribing the worst two years of your life into scripts. It will not kill you, I promise.” Shane leaned forward, Ryan looked like he was pretending not to hear him. He took one more cautious sip before he spoke. 

 

“I’m fine.” He said, and then he started typing again. 

 

“Fine? I don’t say this to make you feel bad, but you were _not_ _fine_ last night.” 

 

“ _ Stop. _ I don’t want to talk about it. I had a vivid dream, it set me off, but I’m fine now.” Ryan glared at Shane before turning back to his rapid typing. 

 

“Alright... Sorry I brought it up.” Shane lifted his hands in surrender. A moment passed by before he spoke again. “I saw Alex out of his room last night after the… episode.”

 

Ryan’s typing slowed and came to a halt. 

 

“He saw?” Was all he asked without looking up. 

 

“Yeah… Yeah he saw. I don’t know how long he’d been watching but he definitely saw.” Ryan sighed and covered his face with his hands. “Ryan, I know you try to hide it from him, but he’s smart enough to figure it out.”

 

“What did you say to him?” His voice wavered 

 

“I didn’t say anything to him.” 

 

“You went to check on him in his room last night, and he  _ always _ has questions. What did you say to him?” He asked again, more forceful than the last time. 

 

“He… asked me what ‘what’s wrong with dad’, and I said you had a bad dream. And then he asked me ‘was it about—’” Shane paused to look at Ryan who looked progressively more distressed. 

 

“Just say it out loud.”

 

“He asked me ‘was it about Gilead.’” 

 

Ryan groaned and rubbed his face. Shane could see the tears threatening to spill.  _ “Jesus.” _ He mumbled. 

 

“He’s concerned Ryan. He notices when you’re not one hundred percent there, he can tell you’re upset, when you’re bothered by this. He just wants to understand. And it’s not going to help if you keep trying to hide it from him.”

 

“He’s  _ my son. _ Don’t  _ tell me _ how I should raise him.” Ryan hissed, but the tears were already falling. 

 

“I’m not. I’m suggesting you be more open with him.” Shane didn’t let Ryan’s defensive exterior bother him. He knew better than anyone what Ryan was like when he felt threatened. 

 

“You’re suggesting I tell my eight year old son I was made a sex worker against my will and lived in servitude under threat of death and cruel punishment for two years? Why don’t we throw you in the mix too, Mr. Dishonorable Discharge? Should I tell him how you treated me? How I was quite literally your property? And how you shattered my trust?”

 

Shane gritted his teeth his teeth, but other than that, his face remained neutral. 

 

“Details don’t need to be clear. Just tell him you… were hurt. People hurt you. And you have to heal from that, and it’s going to take a long time. That’s all he needs to know for now. And you have to be ready for the moment he starts asking questions.” 

 

Ryan wiped at the tears with his sleeves and sniffed loudly. “Can we save the rest of this conversation for the therapist?”

 

Shane nodded without a word, looking at Ryan a little more thoughtfully. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”

 

“I’m sorry for what I called you. I know you hate that subject, and I shouldn’t have jabbed you like that.” 

 

“I know you are, and I understand you’re stressed and anxious. I’ll let you go back to work, just don’t stress yourself out more.” Shane stood and patted Ryan’s shoulder, squeezing where the tense muscle of his neck met his shoulder. 

 

Ryan glanced up to watch him go before breathing in deep and continuing with his work. He was not looking forward to the therapy later. 

**Author's Note:**

> you can read the first fic here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13745526/chapters/31584426. Please heed the warnings.
> 
> let me know what you think.


End file.
